Does anyone know how to productively/supportively receive "venting"-shaped communication, when you don't want to reinforce or implicitly endorse the frame or set or assumptions that the venting is based in?
I feel like I have this dilemma a lot of the time: like, someone wants to share something that they're angry or upset or annoyed about, and clearly wants me to be entirely on their side about the thing, and I want to emotionally support them, understand where they're coming from, and help them process and/or strategize.
But honestly about 80% of the time, especially if it's someone who I'm not extremely close to, I find it really hard to straightforwardly do those things because I feel triggered about the context somehow, either because it seems like it's assuming things I don't believe, or because I feel attacked in some way, e.g. because I often have substantial sympathy toward the target of the anger or annoyance, as well as toward my friend.
I wish I knew what to do in these situations.
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Ben Weinstein-Raun
in reply to Ben Weinstein-Raun • •Damon Pourtahmaseb-Sasi
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Ben Weinstein-Raun
in reply to Damon Pourtahmaseb-Sasi • •Damon Pourtahmaseb-Sasi likes this.
Damon Pourtahmaseb-Sasi
in reply to Ben Weinstein-Raun • •Yeah, it can be tough sometimes! My expectation, as a few others have said, is that the first thing people want in situations like this to feel understood, and the second is to feel validated. Staying curious, asking questions, affirming feelings, those all seem like "free actions" in terms of helping someone who's going through some difficult emotions about something, even fi you don't agree with their conclusions or model of reality.
After those actions, the path that might open up and be difficult to navigate is if they begin to press you on your own position or beliefs. But if that first step is hard enough just because of feelings of trigger or unsafety, that would be the first thing to work on; how to keep your emotional balance while someone is expressing things that feel triggery or like they're pulling at you to do or say a certain thing.
Does that resonate so far, or am I far off from the thing you're pointing at?
kip
in reply to Ben Weinstein-Raun • •I've been many different people in this type of exchange. e.g. On the venting side, I've been
1. Satisfied because my friend totally agreed with my frame/analysis/etc
2. Frustrated because my friend wouldn't validate me OR express disagreement
3. Lukewarm because my friend validated me but also they validate me no matter what, without critical thinking, so my reasoning was not actually double-checked
4. Appreciative that my friend shared that they disagree with my frame/analysis/etc
5. ... Frustrated because my friend expressed disagreement, but in a way that conveyed low understanding/empathy
For me, I think the most frustrating thing is when someone disagrees with me but they're trying to politely sidestep mentioning it. I love to know when people disagree with me; I feel insulted when people imply I can't handle their honesty by not giving it to me.
In reality, lots of people don't want your honest take. They just want the validation. And also, they might notice you sidestepping validation. Personally, I avoid people who vent a lot and only want va
... show moreI've been many different people in this type of exchange. e.g. On the venting side, I've been
1. Satisfied because my friend totally agreed with my frame/analysis/etc
2. Frustrated because my friend wouldn't validate me OR express disagreement
3. Lukewarm because my friend validated me but also they validate me no matter what, without critical thinking, so my reasoning was not actually double-checked
4. Appreciative that my friend shared that they disagree with my frame/analysis/etc
5. ... Frustrated because my friend expressed disagreement, but in a way that conveyed low understanding/empathy
For me, I think the most frustrating thing is when someone disagrees with me but they're trying to politely sidestep mentioning it. I love to know when people disagree with me; I feel insulted when people imply I can't handle their honesty by not giving it to me.
In reality, lots of people don't want your honest take. They just want the validation. And also, they might notice you sidestepping validation. Personally, I avoid people who vent a lot and only want validation.
When it happens occasionally with people I really like: I think I start by trying to show my care for them and show that I'm listening closely. I can validate in the form of "that sounds really frustrating" etc. I can take the time to hear them speak through what happened and all their feelings about it. And hopefully that process will make them feel better, and thus more receptive to feedback. My integrity insists that I let them know, at some point, that I disagree with their understanding of the situation.
TL;DR: Maybe start by listening in detail to the vent and ask a lot of follow-up questions? Make them feel really heard/understood before deciding your take and sharing it? But do share it eventually, and filter out people who don't like your honesty
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David Mears
in reply to kip • •Jen Blight
in reply to Ben Weinstein-Raun • •Some potentially useful maneuvers:
* Validate the feeling without validating the framing. I think acknowledging that it's reasonable to be frustrated or discouraged is more important than correctly identifying the source or resolving the situation.
* Try to approach any reframing as curiosity rather than criticism or advice. I tend to disagree with the common "don't offer solutions just let them vent" school of thought in that I think most of the problem is people giving bad advice because they don't fully appreciate the situation. Curiosity helps because it gives the other person a chance to clarify context and helps them explore their own framing
So, a prototypical response would be something like "Yeah, that sounds really frustrating, I wonder if the other person is actually trying to..." or "That sounds hard, maybe it would help to...".
This sort of assumes that the person is coming from a place of genuine frustration or discouragement that they're trying to work through. I tend to have very little sympathy for people who are trying to get me to bond w
... show moreSome potentially useful maneuvers:
* Validate the feeling without validating the framing. I think acknowledging that it's reasonable to be frustrated or discouraged is more important than correctly identifying the source or resolving the situation.
* Try to approach any reframing as curiosity rather than criticism or advice. I tend to disagree with the common "don't offer solutions just let them vent" school of thought in that I think most of the problem is people giving bad advice because they don't fully appreciate the situation. Curiosity helps because it gives the other person a chance to clarify context and helps them explore their own framing
So, a prototypical response would be something like "Yeah, that sounds really frustrating, I wonder if the other person is actually trying to..." or "That sounds hard, maybe it would help to...".
This sort of assumes that the person is coming from a place of genuine frustration or discouragement that they're trying to work through. I tend to have very little sympathy for people who are trying to get me to bond with them over dislike of a person/group/concept and usually end up disengaging.
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David Mears
in reply to Ben Weinstein-Raun • •Ben Weinstein-Raun likes this.
David Mears
in reply to David Mears • •Ben Weinstein-Raun likes this.